Sunday, 4 November 2012

a cure for homesickness

You know, I always thought homesickness was for wimps and wusses and stuff. I had a friend who went to boarding school for a semester, then returned. We made fun of her every time we mentioned her in conversations.

But now I know — first-hand — what it’s like to go to boarding school. Where you don’t feel like anybody is there for you to lean on. And that’s kind of true. I don’t have anybody solid to lean on. Everything’s up in the air and I absolutely hate it.

On Friday, I was so upset that I had to go back to AC. While I was waiting for the coach, after Yvonne had left, I began tearing up. Once I was on the bus and I started listening to some music, I was crying. I didn’t want to go back to AC, and honestly, I still kind of don’t want to be here. I just realized today that there was no more way for me to numb myself from my emotions. My second-year, Holly (who has witnessed me sobbing way too many times to count) once said that before construction, there must be destruction. If I think about it, I’d spent fifteen years of my life on this… building. In all honesty I wasn’t very satisfied with how the building had turned out. It’s kind of like making a clay sculpture, or painting something. I had already scribbled all across the canvas and the canvas is kind of full… so now I need to learn how to strip things away slowly so that I can start anew and create a personality, a person that I can actually like.

First I got rid of my physical activity. I know that sounds horrible, but that was a coping mechanism for me. I used it to cover my emotions, to numb myself. Then it was food. I’m slowly getting rid of that. That’s no longer going to be a coping mechanism for me either. I just need to find some way to change my emotions — change what’s fundamentally causing me pain, causing me to feel terrible, in order to shift my entire attitude. Apparently, for me, the fake-it-til-you-make-it method doesn’t work.

 At all.

I’m learning. I’m struggling a lot, but I’m learning.

I woke up at 7:00 this morning to take the SAT subject test. I got back at around 10:30 then I diddle-dawdled for a while, and I ate lunch at 12:40ish. Then I went on Skype and Skyped one of my friends from back home, Lenny (nickname for Helen). I was crying and she was so supportive and she was giving me great ideas for things to do here. I think that’ll be useful later, but my main priority is looking inside myself and figuring out the missing link that prevents this place from being a place in which I feel comfortable.

Then I had a sob fest for half an hour and Holly was there to comfort me.

Then I slept for two hours.

Then I went on the computer for a bit.

Followed by going to different houses looking for someone to borrow money from so I could get the fruits I ordered from the Food Co-op from Christine.

Then I got the money from Yiran in Morgannwg, so then I went to Christine’s house and got my fruit and ate a bunch of fruit.

Then I started doing English homework.

After which I watched Mean Girls with Holly.

Then I was on the computer again… what a great day. Not really.

Sorry for such a depressing post. I’m thinking that I should really start to post more posts about food or something because apparently people really like looking at that kind of stuff.


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